A few days after testing our Conflict Guide, a client wrote to me:
“I like how you break conflict down to real choices – closure, clarity, or keeping the relationship intact, etc. It’s simple but surprisingly honest. What inspired that angle?”
I told her that behind all my work lies a strong belief in humanity. Most people don’t actually want a fight. They want a way forward so they can get back to their business, their family, their relationships.
Yet from a young age, most of us are trained – often unconsciously – to see conflict as a battle. And many lawyers are trained to “steal” the conflict and turn it into a legal fight.
In my view, we have a responsibility to take that back. To help clients find the path that is best for them, not just the path that fits an adversarial script. That is why the Conflict Guide is designed to make people pause and answer a few simple questions at the very start of their strategy work.
Her reply stayed with me:
“Most people talk about conflict like it’s a battlefield, so your view on restoring humanity in the process feels… refreshing. What struck me is that the guide makes people pause and ask themselves what they truly want before reacting.”
That sentence – “what struck me…” – captures exactly what I hope for: that leaders, HR, union representatives and advisors stop for a moment, reflect, and choose more consciously.
If you are a manager, general counsel, HR leader or union representative, you already live close to conflict. Suppliers. Employees. Unions. Customers. Partners. Most weeks bring at least one situation that could escalate if it is not handled well.
You probably already spend money on professional help: lawyers, consultants, mediators, coaches, investigators. Some of that help create real value. Some of it feels expensive and exhausting and still ends with damaged relationships and mediocre solutions.
There is a real opportunity here:
Not just to buy people who can fight your disputes. But to choose advisors who can prevent more disputes and settle the unavoidable ones in better ways.
Derek Bok, former president of Harvard; pointed out in the 1980s that if we don’t understand how conflicts actually arise, how people really use law, and what different dispute resolution mechanisms really do, it becomes very hard to design systems that are both effective and accessible.
For you as a buyer of professional services, that leads to a very practical question:
“When we bring in internal or external experts, what kind of help are we actually buying?”
What actually works in real conflict work?
Research on lawyers’ work, summarized by Paul L. Tractenberg, shows a clear pattern. Tractenberg, Professor of Law Emeritus at Rutgers Law School in Newark, New Jersey, was an early voice arguing that lawyers should be trained as effective dispute preventers and settlers, not only as courtroom advocates.
When practicing lawyers are asked which skills they use most and value most, three things come out on top:
- understanding the facts in depth, building others’ confidence in them, and communicating clearly in real time.
The traditional legal skills we often associate with the profession come only after that.
In practical work across law, HR, unions and consulting, the same pattern appears.
- Conflicts are resolved best when someone takes time to understand the stories, emotions and system around the problem.
- Trust in the person leading the process often matters more than legal detail in the early phases.
- And clear, honest, human dialogue usually moves people more than long written documents.
For you as a buyer, that means you have every reason to expect these skills, not just narrow technical expertise, from the people you ask to guide you through conflict.
Put simply, there are three things that make a real difference when you choose advisors in conflict situations:
1. They start with your aims, not with procedures
Many engagements start like this.
You describe the conflict. The advisor quickly moves to steps: send a letter, file a complaint, open a formal process, consider arbitration or court.
Sometimes that is necessary. But if that is the first move, something important is being skipped.
Advisors who really focus on preventing and settling disputes tend to pause first. They ask questions such as:
- “If this goes well, what do you want the situation to look like in 6–12 months?”
- “Which relationships matter most for you here?”
- “What do you most need to protect – money, principle, reputation, people, operations?”
Questions like these move the discussion from positions to interests.
From “we must win”, to “we need predictability”, “we need respect”, or “we would actually like to keep working with them if possible”.
A good negotiation consultant or sparring partner will use this phase to help you clarify your goals. What you would like to have. What you truly need. How this specific conflict fits with your strategy, values and culture over time.
You can test this in your next briefing. Instead of starting with “What can we do?”, try:
“Can you first help us clarify what we want to achieve and protect here, and then suggest a strategy and process that fit that?”
If the advisor welcomes that, you are already moving in the right direction.
2. They bring strong human and negotiation skills, not only technical expertise
Every serious conflict has a legal, contractual or formal side. You do need people who understand that part. In most cases, that is not enough.
Advisors who prevent and settle disputes effectively tend to have a recognizable profile:
- they listen in a structured and curious way, so they pick up concerns, fears, identity questions and hidden interests – not just “facts”
- they negotiate with an eye for mutual gains where possible, and they care about process fairness as well as outcome
- they negotiate with an eye for mutual gains where possible, and they care about process fairness as well as outcome
- they explain options in plain language so your leadership team can make real choices.
Tractenberg highlights exactly these elements – fact-gathering, interpersonal skills and oral communication – as the core of effective conflict resolution practice, not a soft add-on.
In a good consulting and sparring relationship, you feel this in the way you work together. You prepare well before important meetings. You test different strategies. You rehearse key conversations in a safe setting, using simulation exercises. You debrief afterwards and talk honestly about what worked, what did not, and what you want to change next time.
The effect is usually described in simple terms:
- calmer and more room to maneuver in demanding situations.
- more know-how and confidence to lead yourself.
- And a safe space to think out loud with someone who both supports and challenges you.
3. They help you strengthen the system, not just win individual cases
In most organizations, conflict patterns repeat. The same friction points. The same misunderstandings. The same contract types. The same situations during reorganizations. The same tensions between particular units or roles.
If the advisor focuses only on this one case, you may get through it, but you do not necessarily move beyond it.
Advisors with a prevention mindset add a few extra questions.
- «Where else do you see something similar?»
- «What in your structures, incentives or culture makes this keep happening?»
- «How could you have seen this earlier?»
- «What informal routes do people have to raise a concern before it becomes a formal dispute?»
This is exactly the system perspective the former president of Harvard, Bok, described:
“if we do not understand how conflicts actually appear and how people use rules and processes in real life, it is hard to build systems that work for people.“
In practice, this often leads to small, concrete changes rather than huge reforms:
better awareness to signs of conflict, normalizing negotiation, dialogue and mediation as legitimate tools, and building a shared understanding in the leadership group of how you respond to the first signs of conflict.
A tool you can use immediately: The Conflict Guide
To make these choices easier, we created The Conflict Guide. It is a simple online tool for leaders, HR, union representatives, your legal advisors – anyone who needs to think about which path to choose in a conflict.
The guide lets you move a few simple sliders. You reflect on whether you mainly want a solution that creates as much value as possible for both sides, or whether you accept a clearer win/lose logic. You consider how important it is to preserve or strengthen the relationship. You think about how much time and cost you are willing to invest. You decide whether you want maximum influence on the outcome yourselves, through negotiation or mediation, or whether you are prepared for a decision by a third party such as an arbitrator or a court. You consider whether confidentiality is crucial, or whether a public decision is acceptable or even desirable.
As you move the sliders, the tool shows which processes fit best: negotiation, mediation, arbitration, or court.
You can try it right away by moving the sliders below:
Read more about our Conflict Guide here.
You can use it on your own, to clear your own thinking before you call an advisor. You can use it with your leadership team or together with your representatives, to see where you are aligned and where you differ. And you can bring the result into the conversation with your advisors and say:
“This is how we see our aims and trade-offs. Help us design a strategy and a process that fit this picture.”
The feedback from the client at the start of this article is exactly what the tool is meant to trigger: a short pause, an honest look at what you truly want, and a more human starting point for the strategy that follows.
You have more influence than you might think
Conflicts will keep coming. That is part of organizational life. But you have more influence over how they develop than many people realize.
You decide whether the help you buy arrives late or early.
You decide whether it focuses only on winning a narrow fight, or also on protecting what matters most: people, relationships, core operations, reputation.
You decide whether your organization and your key relationships come out weaker or stronger on the other side.
When you choose advisors
- who start with your aims,
- who combines strong technical skills with strong human and negotiation skills,
- and who helps you strengthen your conflict system over time,
you are doing more than buying conflict management. You are shaping the conflict culture of your organization.
Tools like The Conflict Guide are there to support you in that role. Not to replace your judgement, but to give you a clearer picture and a stronger voice when you decide how conflicts should be handled.
The next time a difficult case lands on your desk, one simple question can make a big difference:
“Are we buying help that just fights this dispute, or help that comes in earlier, protects what matters most, and leaves our relationships and systems stronger afterwards?”